So, for a variety of reasons, I have deleted most of my subscribers. I really don't think anyone truly gives a shit, so I only want people who care to read my stuff.
This blog is my emotional outlet. It is for me to help me work out what I am going through. It is not meant to downplay anyone else's pain or suffering. Everybody is going through shit of one kind or another.
But, this is my way of getting to see myself to the other side: becoming a widow, prayerfully, later than sooner. Selling my house and downsizing. Worrying about money the rest of my life. Worrying about who will find me when I don't wake up one morning. Worrying about my little dog and what will become of her. Worrying about my kids and grandkid. Where are they? Where will they be? Worrying about whether my job will continue. I really never considered that these "golden" years might actually be "pyrite" years!
In the meantime, I am trying to "get ready". Getting rid of stuff, slowly. Probably too slowly. Trying to teach myself to be a better caregiver, like not saying "no" to requests for massage, making sure the food he likes is plentiful... I know I should be doing more for him, but he feels better when he can do for himself, so for now, I allow that. But he no longer blows the leaves and he misses that chore so much, nor does he putter around the yard. He needs to walk on stable hard surfaces and while we have a flat yard, it is bumpy and lumpy in places and he absolutely can not take a fall.
While I am pissed that few people in my family check in with him directly, I have to say kudos to my 95 year old aunt who manages to call him and even wished him a happy new year. She is the only one, aside from my parents, who acknowledged his Judaism. It is and was very touching to him.
He found videos of my parents on his computer. I can't wait to see them.
He did ask me a weird question. He asked if he would see VAT on the other side. I said yes and he got a little upset. I explained that heaven is all good and all loving and there will be no hard feelings toward anyone. That is a very hard concept to grasp. I believe this and at times, I also have a hard time with it.
So, there are people I have disliked, with or without reason, and I have tried to right the wrongs as I become conscious or aware. There are people I have loved with whom I have lost contact with and am trying to find them and re-establish friendship and lines of communication.
As I wrote on my Instagram account, I am trying to become a "be" and not a "wanna be". @ciciellyn514.
Sending love to all who care and even more to those who do not.
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