Shame

 So, I had a melt down on Facebook last week.  It was stock filled with anger and cursing.  I have since removed the post, made an apology for the language but not the sentiment, and taken an official break from the forum until I don't know when.

What prompted the outburst?  To be honest, it was multiple things.

My husband's heath is deteriorating, though he has not been in too much pain this past week.

I am exhausted and unsure of what my next "right" step is.

People who call themselves friends are like the wind; wanting to be chatty one day and resorting to one word responses, if any, the next.

There are people who whine about their lot in life; that is not what I am doing, but rather lamenting how their whining affects me.  People who are afraid of being forgotten at  the holidays, while their cancer patient relative sits, wondering "where is everyone?"  Worrying about being forgotten while all the while forgetting about someone who has done no wrong nor harm to them.  

Things will never be the same.  I might forgive, though, at this writing, it is unlikely, and I will never forget that not one of you picked up the phone to call him and wish him well; to chat with him; to ask him if there was anything you could do for him.

Thinking of the unfairness of it all just caused me to vomit up every bit of anger and vitriol and blurt out the truth, but in such a tacky way.

I hang my head, ashamed, yet consider those people who reached out to me, knowing that something had upset me to this degree.  These people are my heroes.  They may not be my blood, but they are my family.

You know who you are.  You have given me strength and a little more courage. I can never thank you enough for your caring of me and of my husband.  

 

Wednesday, 10/28/2020

Spent some time "arting", as an acquaintance's two year old daughter calls the art of collage.  'Turned on the old stereo and picked the next two albums in the order in which they had been unpacked years ago.  We  I (Shayna was too busy trying to rip her bed) listened to Peter Nero's "Summer of 42" and Henry Mancini's "Six Hours Past Sunset".

This was music from the 70s, so it was all very nostalgic.  My friends were listening to Grateful Dead and there was I - totally square and unhip, but quite happy to be so!  

I rejoined WW in an attempt to lose the Covid 15.  I had lost the weight I wanted to lose, but then being house bound and seemingly always hungry, and with Amazon, Peapod and Instacart, each just a click away, I fed my anxiety with yummy but unhealthy goodies.  Think Smartfood popcorn, Cape Cod chips and my total weakness, Good 'n Plenty.  Damn.  Between the popcorn kernels and the chewy licorice, I also had two dental issues.  

Friday 10/30/2020

First snow of 2020-2021 season!  Productive work day.  MHN requested kasha varnishkes, so made that for him and then decided to peel and cut up the mother of butternut squashes.  It was huge and was selected by the Instacart folks. While I was praying I would not chop off a finger (or worse), it took me nearly an hour to get that mother ready for the freezer.  We will eventually make butternut squash soup but MHN had an early rendezvous in the kitchen and made some split pea soup. So butternut is on the horizon.

Tried to nap later in the afternoon, but couldn't.  Decided to collage.  I find that I am pretty uptight with my work.  With collage, it doesn't have to be straight or make sense.  It is a stream of consciousness event for me.  Maybe that's wrong, but that's how I do it. It is blowing my mind that real people - like real artists - are beginning to follow me.  I think I also have too many "spaces" in my work.  I will improve in time. Or not.  Working in this medium is immensely satisfying to me and relaxes me.  I am not worried about the mess as my work table is covered with papers, ripped magazines and all kinds of ephemera.  

If you know me, you would know I am a neat freak, so I guess my laissez-faire attitude with regard to my arting area means that I am loosening up.  (Or not.)

Albums played this afternoon were Laura Nyro's "First Songs", Richard Marx's "Richard Marx" and Beatles "Rubber Soul".  The Beatles album was a gift from a high school BF.  (I was in high school; he was a bit older and working.)  He was my introduction to the art of innocent romance.  

Our first kiss...it was really the first kiss that mattered;  I was shy and looking down and he gently lifted my chin and gave me the softest kiss, like a feather across my lips.  I was hooked.  (Until I wasn't.)  "Our" song was "Never My Love".  Remember that one by the Association?  He used to call me Lovey.  (Isn't that what Thurston Howell the third used to call his wife?)    Mike passed away, suddenly, a little more than a year ago.  

Where does the time go?

Love Was a Many Splintered Thing

Previously Posted 2017

So, back in the day, way back in the day, if anyone had suggested that I would be married more than once, I would have laughed until my belly ached and coffee spurted out of my nostrils. 

As it turned out, I am currently in my third marriage.  

I was a sweet young thing of 23 when I first married.  My first husband was a worldly 29, served in the Peace Corps and was working on an advanced degree.  He was an electrical engineer.  He designed and fixed things.  If I said it would be fun to have a wine rack that hung from the cabinet, he would make me one.  We sprouted beans, drank Postem, went to the symphony, lectures and the theater.  We had a sailboat.  We talked about living on a boat.  We bought a house and got a puppy.  We gardened, dined and wrote poetry.  I cried myself to sleep most nights.  After 6 years, I filed for divorce and subsequently had the marriage annulled.   

Husband #2 came along when my heart was broken but he was complete opposite of #1.  He was an entertainer, a musician and usually the life of the party.  But, what one saw was not always what one got when behind closed doors.  I spent a lot of time alone.  We bought a condo, had a baby, built a house, got a puppy and I cried myself to sleep most nights.  After nearly 14 years, I filed for divorce. 

I vowed I would never marry again, but then along came Michael.

What can I say about him?  What do you say about someone who is selfless in his desire to make you happy?  What can you say about someone who wants to heal people and make things right? What do you say about someone who listens when you speak?

Michael had clinical training and recognized that I suffered from depression.  During each divorce, having been seen by two different therapists, for extended periods of time, no one recognized this issue.  I probably would have gone on for the rest of my life crying myself to sleep.  But, thanks to this man, who would not let me hide my fading embers under a bushel and who helped me escape my shroud of sadness, I have my life back.  Granted, half of it was already over, but half of a healthy life is better than none.

Do I have regrets?  There were real problems in both marriages, so understanding my depression would not have stopped the divorces. From each relationship, I learned so many things…that the world is bigger than my short horizon and yet I do deserve to have a shining place under the sun. And I deserved to be loved.  We all deserve love.

Do I ever cry myself to sleep?  If I do (and I have), they are for reasons that I understand.

“Depression is a mental disorder that affects the mind and can have noticeable affects on physical and social wellness. According to an article on depression by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, depression remains one of the main causes of death and illness in the U.S. and is linked to inability to function socially, reduced quality of life and disability.”    

From the website, http://www.livestrong.com.

W T F?

 

So, for a variety of reasons, I have deleted most of my subscribers.  I really don't think anyone truly gives a shit, so I only want people who care to read my stuff.  

This blog is my emotional outlet.  It is for me to help me work out what I am going through.  It is not meant to downplay anyone else's pain or suffering.  Everybody is going through shit of one kind or another.

But, this is my way of getting to see myself to the other side:  becoming a widow, prayerfully, later than sooner.  Selling my house and downsizing.  Worrying about money the rest of my life.  Worrying about who will find me when I don't wake up one morning.  Worrying about my little dog and what will become of her.  Worrying about my kids and grandkid.  Where are they? Where will they be? Worrying about whether my job will continue.  I really never considered that these "golden" years might actually be "pyrite" years!

In the meantime, I am trying to "get ready".  Getting rid of stuff, slowly.  Probably too slowly.  Trying to teach myself to be a better caregiver, like not saying "no" to requests for massage, making sure the food he likes is plentiful... I know I should be doing more for him, but he feels better when he can do for himself, so for now, I allow that.  But he no longer blows the leaves and he misses that chore so much, nor does he putter around the yard.  He needs to walk on stable hard surfaces and while we have a flat yard, it is bumpy and lumpy in places and he absolutely can not take a fall. 

While I am pissed that few people in my family check in with him directly, I have to say kudos to my 95 year old aunt who manages to call him and even wished him a happy new year.  She is the only one, aside from my parents, who acknowledged his Judaism.  It is and was very touching to him.  

He found videos of my parents on his computer.  I can't wait to see them.

He did ask me a weird question.  He asked if he would see VAT on the other side.  I said yes and he got a little upset.  I explained that heaven is all good and all loving and there will be no hard feelings toward anyone.  That is a very hard concept to grasp.  I believe this and at times, I also have a hard time with it.  

So, there are people I have disliked, with or without reason, and I have tried to right the wrongs as I become conscious or aware.  There are people I have loved with whom I have lost contact with and am trying to find them and re-establish friendship and lines of communication.

As I wrote on my Instagram account, I am trying to become a "be" and not a "wanna be".  @ciciellyn514.

Sending love to all who care and even more to those who do not.

Descent into Sadness (or Madness?)

 

Nothing even happened yet.

This has been me for a few weeks now.  MHN has more pain and he has been saying that he's heading to his end.  I deny it and fluff over it because I am not sure what else to do.  I want to scream and "make" him get rid of the disease.  I don't accept that his pain is something that he can't handle and every groan makes me angry.  The click of his cane makes me silently moan.  He can't be dying.  No!!!

The golden years?  All the work, blood, sweat and tears to get to a place of relative comfort.  All the plans of where we would go and what we would do...they were all for nothing. 

My therapist retired and I can not bear the thought of starting all over again with a new one.  68 years of shit.  There is no way I have the energy to hash through all that again. So, I do the best I can while at the same time, I am upsetting the very person I care most about.  When he asks for a back massage, I sometimes say "no". What is wrong with me?  

Coupled with all of this, we approach November.  My sister passed 11 years ago on November 21st and my daughter's father passed a year ago on the 12th.  Both of these events still are with me.  I remember each event leading to the actual deaths and the aftermath.  Seeing the heartbreak in my parents eyes and hearing the wails of my daughter.  

I worry about the election and what will happen to this country if the worst thing happens that could happen. (45 becomes 46).  What if social security goes away? What will happen to all the seniors?  What will happen to ME?

November was always the best month for me.  Thanksgiving, Christmas and the new year approaching; new ideas, new plans.  Fires in the fireplace. Family around the table.  Now, November is an open wound in my gut with raggedy edges, bloody and deeply painful.  

I am so scared.

 

Sunday, the 18th of October

 It's a nippy morning out there today!  Went down the driveway to get the newspapers and was so glad to have grabbed a jacket.

Planning on a low key Sunday.  Just a few chores on the To-Do.*  MHN requested escarole and beans with some crusty bread for a peasant Sunday lunch.  I hope to work in my studio;  'Decided to stop calling it "poor woman's studio" or italicizing or offering quotation marks on "studio".  At this time, it IS my studio and I love spending time in it!  Also hoping to finish reading My Brilliant Friend by Elena Ferrante.  The 4 book set was purchased and I am enjoying it, much more than when I first tried reading it a couple of years ago. Not sure why I couldn't get into it earlier.  

We have already voted and the votes have been confirmed as received.  At this writing, I believe there is going to trouble no matter who wins.  We have 45 stating he will not accept the results if he loses and I see civil unrest on the horizon.  And, if 45 wins, the protests (and GOD only knows to what level), will be ramped up.  I can only speak for myself, and I see those things taken for granted as being compromised -  life, liberty & the pursuit of happiness.  I am so scared for this country.

*One of the chores on the To-Do is to, once again, clean the inside windows in the family room.  We are lucky (or unlucky, depending on your perspective) to have floor to ceiling windows on the first floor, which allows one spoiled little dog to guard her territory.  She spends many hours surveying and as a result, there are many little snootski (as we call her little nose) marks along the glass.  😁

Best wishes for a wonderful day.  xo

And the Beat Goes On...

 

To continue my last post, Temple of Sighs, I finally did receive the reading.  It was very generic and somewhat disappointing.  He (the medium) said he could not be more specific because none of my guides showed up.  (In the past when I have had readings, the medium had to tell the people on the other side to keep it down to a roar as she couldn't hear anything!)

But a promise is a promise and I proceeded to attempt to pay him. The first email address he gave me - the one that I said sounded "weird" was no longer a viable option, according to him.  He gave me another email address to use and I sent the payment which he immediately refunded to me.  He wanted me to download a cash app (No, sorry.) Then he wanted me to go to a store and buy an EBAY card.  (No, sorry.) Then he told me to hold off paying him until he got back to me.

I had a very uncomfortable feeling so I blocked him.  I didn't pay him at all.  I am feeling so guilty.  I wanted to pay him but he was making it so difficult and it got weirder (more weird?) with each communication, so I did what I did.  

I am spending at least an hour per day working in my "studio" doing collages.  Shayna knows "craft time" means we're headed to the basement where she has two beds from which to choose and a giant antler to chew.  She sees me cutting and ripping papers, so she decided to "help" this afternoon and started pulling pages from a magazine.  Then she went over to a larger collage that was drying with matte gel and tried...only tried...to pull a large piece off the board.  I had to rearrange everything and will now have to try to outwit a 2 1/2 year old dog on the next craft date, tomorrow!

So, my old stereo is in the basement with all of the LPs that I had saved.  Some real good stuff but also so pretty lame stuff.  My musical tastes are in the category of "Really?".  Today, I pulled out Joni Mitchell's Court and Spark and America's A Horse with No Name.  As I was listening to the latter, I cracked myself up.  This was the album to which I lost my virginity.  And then I felt nauseous and had to remove it from the turntable.  

One last bit...speaking of the America album.  Last night I had some pumpkin ale; 3 sips to be exact.  (It doesn't take much.)  M said something about a desert;  all I heard was "desert" so I promptly burst into the title song.  I made him laugh so hard that he decided he is going to find a way to hook me up to a pumpkin ale IV so the fun never ends.

Be well, kids.  See you soon! xo

Temple of Sighs

So, sometimes life is sublime and sometimes it is not.  Sometimes things are easy and sometimes they are not.  Sometimes you just want to dance on a pinhead and sometimes you'd prefer to crawl under a rock.

This is the collage I completed this morning and it says it all.  (You can see my lame attempts to be artful on Instagram.  @Ciciellyn514)  

It seems as soon as one situation resolves itself, another takes its place.  I know this is life, but I need a break.  I don't share everything going on in my life, contrary to probable, popular belief.  I am very open and honest about my life, but I do hold some things back.  And will continue to do so.

When I awoke this morning, there was a message from a psychic medium whom I had followed for a day or two on FB when he offered free readings.  Free.  What the heck?  I never did receive the free reading, but he did ask if I wanted a $$ reading. I said no thanks and that was that.  

In his message this morning, he asked if I wanted to hear a message from "the temple".  I said sure.  A few minutes later he sent a message about intuition and not being afraid to listen to mine.  (I always do!)

Fast forward a couple of hours later, he reached out again and asked if I wanted a reading.   I said I would have loved one but his service is not in my budget this month.  He said he would accept a donation this time.  My first thought was that he had some important information to share.  Am I a dope or what? So I agreed to make a donation via Paypal.  I asked for his email address and it was a bizarre email.  Not going to explain..it just didn't fit and I became suspicious.  Yada, yada...we left it that he would do the reading and I would pay him afterwards.  I said fair enough as long as it is not an off the wall reading.  I want to know about two very particular situations.  He said okay that he'd be back in about 40 minutes.  Ha!

Its been about 2 hours.  Nothing.  I didn't pay him, but he has my name, DOB and email address.  And he knows I have Paypal.  So, I have now put out fraud alerts with the credit bureaus.  Not sure how far he could get, but I don't want to find out out.

This is of my own doing and I am beating myself up over it.  My faith should be enough to comfort me, but I am weak and I am sad. 

Are you there, God?  It's me, Nancy.  (sorry Judy Blume).

Monday, Monday (or Another Day in Paradise)

 

Well, it looks like the last time I was present at Brain Chatterings  Part II was back in June.  So much for poems, prayers & promises to this blog.  Now, I know better than to say I'll be back soon, as I probably won't.

While four months have gone by, everything has pretty much remained status quo.  MHN is still a Stage 4 cancer patient. I guess that is the good news as it means he is still with us.  He has some good days but more bad days than before. We stumble along a very zig-zagged path.  The poems, prayers and promises are here.

I am permanently working from home, thanks to an understanding employer.  Besides the overhanging threat of covid at my mature age, I need to be present for MHN as there are days when he needs me more than others.  My position with the firm has also changed, allowing me to make my own hours, as I am strictly plan writing.  All things considered, this has been a very positive transition for me.

There are the physical strengths that I didn't know I had - emptying the two dehumidifiers each morning (to do this, I need to carry two quite heavy buckets from the basement to the first floor), bringing the trash cans down on Wednesday & bringing them back up on Thursday.  It's a kind of longish hilly driveway, so it is a mini workout; I've been known to break a sweat. Carrying the laundry baskets up and down,  doing a lot of cleaning and especially sanitizing, and a whole lot of cooking.  Today, I had to go to the farm market for him.  Maybe this doesn't sound like a big deal, but I have been very spoiled. Because M worked from home and then when he retired 6 years ago, he was here and took care of so many things... things which never received a second thought from me.

There is strength is in my spirit.  I am pretty tough in this house, though  I might be called the younger and a tad bit kinder sister of Nurse Ratchet. I can be tough as nails, running my home and watch-dogging MHN against his possible follies.  (I was MIA when the "Nurse Nancy" genes were distributed; my soft and cuddly mojo is limited to babies and dogs.)

But when I am alone, (and I am only ever alone in my car) so many thoughts  assault me.  It's a barrage of mini-missiles aimed right at my heart.  It isn't just MHN's illness; there are other factors to account for this. 

But, we'll just leave this here...the elephant in the blog.

As I drove to the market today, it was wonderful to see the leaves changing colors.  They prepare us with a tinge of color and finally disappear in a blaze of glory.  So unlike people.

Autumn was always my favorite time of year.  But, as so many sad things have happened in Autumn, I am feeling a pall over what used to make me happy.  

Is it because I am in the Autumn of my own life?

My Father's Nose

Previously posted 2017

**An excerpt from a work in progress**

I was born into this world with my Father's nose and his ears;  fine looking on the face of a grown man, but each, a tad too big for the face of a little girl.

I never had ponytails or pigtails as a child.  One of my relatives told me, when I was a child, that my mother used to tape my ears back.  Mom was furious that I was told, but on the other hand, she would daily squeeze my nose when she walked by me.  I used to think it was a squeeze of endearment, until I got older and asked her to stop and she told me that I should squeeze my own nose to keep it from getting bigger.

Li'l Nancy

I learned at a very young age that I did not enter this world as a beautiful child.

When I was around 11, I took to wearing headbands.  I do not believe this was my idea, but I ended up liking them.  They kept my ears close to my head and I felt safe from taunts about my ears.  I don't even know if anyone else was aware that my ears were too big for my head.

The Headband Years.

When I hit my early teens, cruelty abounded.  Two boys from my neighborhood took my same walking route home everyday and they taunted me with "Danny Thomas", "The Nose" and other hurtful words.  I  cried most days.  My mother tried to get it to stop; she called the school; she called the parents, but nothing stopped it. I had to learn to suck it up and to understand that my worth did not depend on the size of my ears or nose.  

But I wanted to be pretty!

It never seriously occurred to me to have rhinoplasty, even when others around me were doing it.  I have a wickedly deviated septum, so the excuse to do it was there and probably also would have been covered by medical insurance.  But, voluntary pain was never an option for me. (except childbirth).

To this day, when I look at a photograph of myself, I see a woman of a certain age with silver hair.  And, I see my Dad.  I smile. 

The Good, the Bad and the not so Pretty

Hello, my friends, from the quarantined trenches of casa dolce casa!  It has been quite some time since I posted to this blog, aka emotional outlet.  So much for the new year's resolutions, eh?

I have been putting in my 20 hours per week of work from home.  It has been working out well, since I have my own dedicated office and a dog who loves to sleep by my feet except during ZOOM meetings.  As soon as she hears other voices, she must be on my lap, greeting my co-workers and laying claim to me, her Mom, with lots of wet kisses.  What can possibly be better than this?

While it is working out well, I have to admit I am tired.  Work is a luxury that is keeping my mind active (well that along with reading, my crosswords and other word games).  MHN has not been up for our cut throat Scrabble games as of late, nor are we inclined to turn on the television to watch & play Jeopardy.  It seems our lives are becoming more singular...perhaps because of his illness and my exhaustion.  Perhaps because we are under the same roof 24 x 7?  Things get stale?  

He started a new chemo therapy 3 weeks ago today.  His pain levels are now manageable; his appetite is mostly back and he is moving around at times without a cane or walker.  These are all good signs that the drugs are keeping the cancer at bay.  

As a result, I am in the kitchen a lot to make sure he has plenty of food to eat.  If you think this is easy, guess again.  We are dealing with a lactose intolerant vegetarian Jew.  There are a few regular dishes...eggplant risotto, spaghetti squash pomodoro, my homemade pizzas, kasha, zucchini & potato latkes, various pasta dishes and salmon.  If you know me, you know I DO NOT tolerate any seafood.  I hate it.  So Star Fishmarket in Guilford will deliver 4 or 5 pounds of salmon, which MHN has to cook up, divvy into containers and eats when he wants.  I am so sensitive to the smell of seafood, I have to hide out on another level so I don't gag. (Don't tell me if it's fresh it doesn't smell...it DOES!!!)  Anyway, all of the above and lots of muffins.  No mixes...all homemade: pumpkin spice, banana nut, strawberry, banana-strawberry and of course blueberry.  Always on the lookout for new ideas....

For one who tends to be more introverted, this pandemic can almost be considered a gift.  (I have heard other like-minded people also mention this.)  I am not about a lot of human interactions. I like one on one interactions, or maybe a small group, less than 5 or 6 people.  After that, it becomes a smile plastered on my face and wondering when I can get the f*** back to my own home.   I have used this time to think about how I want to spend that last years of my life.  I don't mean to make this sound depressing, but at 68, maybe if I am lucky & blessed, I might have 20 more years left.  I pray they will be healthy years so I can finish out in 20 years what I should have been doing in 68 years.  Ha!  If I'm tired now, what will it  be like later?  A post for another day.  

If you like what you have read, please follow the blog.  Sharing on FB will not happen very often.  Be well. Be safe.  xo

Week 10 - 2020

My apologies for having disappeared last week.  I was trying to get everything together for my first day from working at home while making sure every other little thing was in order.

Working from home is going well; better than I would have imagined.  I am working from a HP laptop, as opposed to a MAC with double screens at the office, so that is an adjustment.  Never realized how much faster things move with two screens.  Other than that, it has been a blessing.  Not to get to graphic, but my stomach issues have completely cleared; I am sleeping without pills; Shayna has sudden new respect from me - she is by my side 24 x 7, not a peep out of her while I am working (which includes calls to clients).  MHN is calmer because I am here in case he needs help with something.  So, for 4 days per week, 9-2, at I am at my little desk or computer desk, working away.  While I hope the virus passes us quickly, I have to think long and hard about returning to the office.  The office is tentatively scheduled to re-open April 6; the governor said non-essentials stay closed to April 22; with MHN is such a precarious position, he is extremely fearful of me going back.  (As am I.)

I have been getting up a little later and taking a quick walk around the yard for some fresh air, after getting the newspapers or putting mail in the mailbox.  Rather than using disposable gloves, I have taken to using the plastic sleeves in which the newspapers are delivered as mitts.   Keeping the glove supply for more important things.

So other than working from home, not being able to go to the library and not going to stores for the foreseeable future, nothing else much has changed!  I am still beholden to a large list of to-dos with a few more things added to it.  I want to make some face masks for our use, as what Smilow gave to MHN is not going to last very long.  They are more for his protection than mine, but I would guess at some point, I will have to venture out, but not without a mask.

We are getting Misfits boxes each week for organic fruits and veggies.  (I do have a 50% off code for the first box, so if you would to try it, leave a message or email me & I will share it with you.) MHN ordered oranges from FL.  We have a PeaPod order from Stop & Shop for delivery next week and I also did an Amazon order for junk food.  (my bad!) So far so good, after one week.

For whatever reason, I have always kept a good stock of personal necessities, like soaps, tooth paste, floss, shampoo, etc. so we will be okay for a while.  I am thinking about having to restock all of this at some future date and my head spins.  I have a checklist of items for each store where I shop.  I am trying not to worry about that now.  (Don't I have enough??)

Before I head on to the next item on my "to-do", I want to share this post from my daughter:

"Ah, COVID! I am one of the thousands of people freshly unemployed due to COVID, with no means of reliable income for the foreseeable future. I have discounted all of the pendants in my shop, and from now until April 30 (at the earliest), at LEAST 10% of all proceeds will go to my co-workers in need of immediate assistance. Thank you for your support!"

The link for her Etsy shop is:                            https://www.etsy.com/shop/turtledovecraft?fbclid=IwAR1gXtgFESCDvl6ffECDFmncNT82qRmBMxspsqnl1PeVFaUp1QxjuVuwM9o

Please check it out and consider a purchase for yourself or a friend.  These are very unusual pendants and whenever I wear mine, people usually stop to ask about it.  If there is no occasion coming up, consider purchasing one and tucking it away when you need a lovely gift for someone.  Or make today the special occasion and surprise someone!  Thank you for your consideration!

I leave you with a wish for staying safe and staying healthy.  Please do not take chances.  xoxo

Week 8 - 2020

Well, as I had suspected and mentioned last week, we did take our house off the market.  The primary reason was for health safety.  As our home is now in “lock down mode*”, we were not comfortable with people coming in, touching things and spreading potential viruses and germs.  If MHN were not sick, we would not be doing this, but he is and so it goes.

In the case of self isolation because of COVID 19, we have prepared. We have enough meds, dog food and MHN’s healthy food. I need to make one more trip to Walgreens for supplies and Big Y for my not as healthy food tomorrow before and after work.

As far as the house sale, I do plan to continue packing things away and still plan on a massive tag sale in the Spring after the hullabaloo dies down.

I have finished my library books, all of which were terrific reads. 

13. The Dutch House by Ann Patchett

14. Divide Me by Zero by Lara Vapnyar

15. Recipe for a Perfect Wife by Karma Brown

I was genuinely sad as I finished each one as I didn't want each to end!  I have three more on hold, but two are brand new and haven’t even been released yet.  There are two personally owned books on my nightstand which I will tackle, as well as catch up on some current magazines this week.

I do get a lot of magazines via mail, but I get most of them free.  I get them via special offers, completing surveys and as a result of reading newsletters.  I have a separate email address for those blog posts, newsletters and all these kinds of goodies.  I really should clean out that mailbox this week, too.

The house smelled so divine today!  Once again, I made the eggplant risotto for MHN and it came out so great.  I also roasted a small turkey breast and MHN made an amazing gravy with the pan drippings and the vegetables which roasted with it. 

Today is the 6^th anniversary of my Mother’s passing.  Truly, just the other day, I stretched my arm out for the phone to call her.  That doesn’t happen too often anymore, and it startled me that I needed her so strongly at that time.  There are only certain things one can share with a Mom.  A Mom understands (she may not agree) but she gets you and what your issues are; she has your back 110% of the time and she wants only the best.  To say that I miss her is an understatement of extraordinary proportion. 

Dad’s 7^th year anniversary in in June and I miss him tremendously too, especially his sage advice of teaching to look at the whole picture instead of the one little fragment that is tearing me to shreds. 

This week, MIHN has a treatment at Smilow on Monday and I have my body scan on the dermatologist on Tuesday.  All those summer days of sitting under the sun swathed in baby oil with a foil screen have caught up with me.  Since I have had one minor bout of skin cancer  I now must embark on this adventure every year. 

The rest of the week is quiet.  I always try to squeeze so much into my Wednesdays off and I have housework left over from the to-do list of today.  There are projects galore of stuff I would like to do before the house goes back on the market, whenever that may be.  Que sera, sera.

I am not going to run through the resolutions this week as I think I have mostly spoken of everything in this post.  Until next time, please be safe and don’t take chances with your health and safety.  Sending love.  xo

  *lock down mode = no entry to anyone. Period.

Week 7 - 2020

It’s been a quiet week on the home front, as we watch the stock market drop and listen to the news of the Coronavirus.  I will admit I am getting sufficiently frightened by it all.  So, the CDC is saying the question is “when” not “if” this will become a pandemic.  I am reading that we should start stockpiling at least two weeks’ worth of food, medicines and other supplies as may be needed as we may have to hunker down for a bit.  This is particularly scary to me as I have a sick husband with a compromised immune system. 

I am sorry to say that I backed out of going to little Italy in the Bronx, for this reason and we are also considering taking the house off the market for a while.  While the number of showings has increased, God only knows who, with what, may be walking through our home, touching doorknobs and whatever else.  We have not received any offers, so it isn’t as if people are beating down the door to buy it. 

While MHN does not want to put anymore money into the house, aside from maintenance, I am thinking we may need too.  But, that’s a debate for another day.  What would you do?

As far as money, we are “cash” people (funny that I work for a wealth management firm!). But I do have some investments in my 401k.  Should I move everything to cash or let it rip?  It’s not a lot of money but to me it’s a few months’ worth of income.  I was getting around 13% but now it’s -0.3%.   I should be asking the advisers I work with, but it’s such small potatoes and who knows if I will still be working by the time the market repairs itself (if it does.) We are due for a correction.  I think I just answered my own question.  But if anyone would like to share an idea or two, please do!

I have also decided not to partake in the couple of classes I mentioned last week.  Let things ride…there will always be classes and trips.

Shayna had her second birthday on Tuesday.  MHN bought her a couple of new toys and is she happy??!! We should all be so lucky!!  Have a good week, my friends.  Please be safe. xo

The resolutions:

Lose pounds. Something is wrong. (Could it be my food consumption??)  See item below “Cook”.  Going forward, I am going to list what I eat for an end of day meal and for snacks, to keep me accountable.

Start doing some form of the e-word.  Not this week.

Sell this home and find a new one.  And then, decorate new place with some new furnishings and be in love with it.  Feeling very discouraged.

Continue packing up the house.  Yes.

Have big tag sale in the Spring.  Yes. 

Read 100 books, about two per week. (Not going to count cookbooks.)

13. The Dutch House by Ann Patchett (so great!!!!)

14. Divide Me by Zero by Lara Vapnyar (just started)

15. Recipe for a Perfect Wife by Karma Brown (didn’t start yet)

Cook.  For breakfast, I always have the same thing:  coffee and ½ English muffin or ½ bagel.  Lunch is always Chobani yogurt (usually coconut), celery and a fruit, usually grapes.  My supper this week:  roast chicken with sides; I made chicken salad with leftovers, served on bed of lettuce with salad fixings. (2 x); pasta with vegetable meatballs (ala Beyond Burger); split pea soup with a bagel/bialy; homemade pizza.   I did have a Junior Whopper and fries from Burger King one night.  My problem times are in the evenings.  Not telling what I ate for snacks.  I am ashamed. ☹  Going forward, I am going to list what I eat for an end of day meal and for snacks.

Weed out my recipe stash.  Worked on this a little more.

  

Blog once a week.   

Participate in one holiday craft fair, probably November 2020.  Maybe

Go through each craft and art magazine (There are lots!!) and save the projects that I want to try.    Went through 3 more.

In line with the previous goal, go through my craft stash and list each project I have started that has fallen by the wayside and finish them: Nothing new; I listed them but haven’t done a damn thing about them!

Have 50 mini dates with MHN – #3 We gallivanted around Branford and Guilford while the house was being shown (that’s when I was Burger King-ed); Stopped at the Four Seasons in Branford for some veggies.  The point was that we were out the house, together.  I am such a cheap date.  lol

Week 6 - 2020

Sunday, February 23, 2020

Not much going on this past week.  I am over my stomach bug, though yesterday, I did something very nasty to my back, shoulders and neck!   There were two forty pound bags of solar salt for the water softener system that needed to go from the garage into the basement.  <sigh> Considering MHN’s condition, he cannot do these heavy-duty chores anymore, so I did it.  Yes, it was a mistake.  Took a pill for pain, got in bed on the heating pad until Shayna woke me up at 3:30.  I'm still hurting today but nothing like yesterday.  

I was supposed to meet my brother, SIL, sister and aunt for lunch but there wasn’t any way I was going to be able to do this, so I rain-checked.  

Granddaughter coming in a little while with her Dad for a visit.  Haven’t seen them since Christmas Eve.

      I miss this little girl so much! 

Have a couple of ideas I am kicking around - Depending on the date that is chosen, I may be taking a bus trip to Arthur Avenue in the Bronx.  Little Italy. This is through a FB group, Wooster Square Cooks and it was my late, former husband’s first wife who invited me!!!  Isn’t that one of the coolest things you have ever heard?  😊

There is also a pasta making class sometime late March-early April; just one night, to learn to make gnocci and cavatelli. 

Lastly, there is a collage class at the Guilford Art Center.  I can’t do them all. (Time, energy and expense), so I’ll be prioritizing over the next couple of weeks.

Daylight savings coming up in a couple of weeks.  Excited about that, but also disappointed that we didn’t have one nice big, close the schools kind of snowstorm.  I know it’s only mid-February and it could still happen, but I kind of doubt it.

It’s seems like a quiet week ahead…no appointments for either of us.  Planning on catching up on housework and reading my books and a bunch of magazines.  Wishing you all a wonderful week!  God Bless!  xo

The resolutions:

Lose pounds. Did not weigh in this week.  (Yeah, well I did...we won't talk about it)

Start doing some form of the e-word.  Not this week.

Sell this home and find a new one.  And then, decorate new place with some new furnishings and be in love with it.  Prayers. 

Continue packing up the house.  To continue this project....

Have big tag sale in the Spring.  Yes!  I think I will also participate in the St. Mary Church, Clinton tag sale in June.

Read 100 books, about two per week. (Not going to count cookbooks.)

9. Queen Bee of Mimosa Branch by Haywood Smith

10. The Golden Hour by Beatriz Williams -  Finished

11. The Storied Life of A. J. Fikry by Gabrielle Zevin

12.  The Stationery Shop by Marjan Kamali

 -   Emily, The Cookbook by Emily Hyland

Cook from scratch at least once per week:  Made a split pea soup in the crock pot on Saturday; Just finished my sauce today.

Weed out my recipe stash.  A little bit.

  

Blog once a week, even if I have nothing to say.   Present!  I am rethinking this; when there is not much to say (I mean, how boring can I be?  The answer is “very”!!)  I may skip a week.

Participate in one holiday craft fair, probably November 2020.  Depends on where things stand….

Go through each craft and art magazine (There are lots!!) and save the projects that I want to try.    Nothing new

In line with the previous goal, go through my craft stash and list each project I have started that has fallen by the wayside and finish them: Nothing new

Make Christmas cards for 2020.  

Have 50 mini dates with MHN – Still waiting in #3