Today, I have loss on my mind. We have all experienced it in some form or another. Losing a Barbie shoe or a roller skate key (I'm dating myself), then a pet, then a grandparent... Here's where things really start to wind up and knot in one's stomach.
Losing my grandparents made me aware that my parents were next in line to leave. I had dread of this thought. When I considered it, I wept. As a child, I remember my mother talking with me about death, explaining that we all have to pass. I told her I would also die without her in my life.
There was a new layer of worry when I became a mother. I HAD to live to take care of and raise this miracle child. Any illness would sent me into throes of fear.
But then...something went haywire in my understanding of the plan and my sister who is 7 years younger than me, left us. No. No. No. Did that mean that I was also possibly - potentially - going to pass before what my mind considered the natural order of things?
Not only did I understand we all will pass, but there are no guarantees of the who/why/when/where.
As I aged, so did my parents. I was blessed to have my parents until their mid 80s. They left within 9 months of each other. Dad had heart issues and left within a day or two after having entered the hospital. We had a chance to say goodbye. He wasn't able to communicate, but he heard and was able to squeeze a hand in response. His leaving was peaceful and he sent a sign to us almost immediately.
Mom, on the other hand was diagnosed with lung cancer 7 months after Dad left; she declined treatment and was gone about 6 weeks later. We did have a "goodbye talk" within hours prior to her decision to go to Hospice. Once there, she was put on all kinds of drugs and she was completely out of it. She did have her last rush of life, when she called me to say to come get her; she had a lot of meat in the freezer. (!!) I felt a surge of hope then understood it was not real. We all spent as much time with her as we could at Hospice, but she chose to leave on a Saturday evening, alone. I think she held on to "see" SJT one last time as it was shortly after that visit, she let go.
My brain melted and then re-positioned itself. Those thoughts of dying with her were gone. I had to be the strong one. I was now the eldest female in our immediate family. I will probably be next to leave, God willing.
My former husband left this past November. I have no words to share with you. It was (and continues) to be a deeply personal grieving. My current husband of 21+ years is a Stage 4 cancer patient. If I consider the odds, he will probably precede me, but maybe not. Life is fragile and tentative at best. No guarantees. A wise person once said to me "do the next right thing" and live. Live and love.
xoxoxo
The 2020 goals:
Lose pounds…. Hmph. That's all I have to say. Hmph.
Start
doing some form of the e-word. Does stretching count? Yes, I stretched this morning.
Sell this
home and find a new one. And then, decorate new place with
some new furnishings and be in love with it. Prayers
Continue packing up the house. Yes! I did some major work on the 3 unfinished rooms in the basement. Packed all the holiday paraphernalia for
moving; Sorted through SJT’s stuff in
basement & repacked for moving. Put
a ton of tag sale stuff together for the Spring. (see below).
I have not completely packed up my craft stuff as I am working with it.
Have big tag sale in the Spring. Yes! Will need help. So much stuff; might have to hire a handyman
to lug it up to the garage when the time comes.
Read a
minimum of 100 books, about two per week. (Not going to count cookbooks.)
1. City of Girls by Elizabeth Gilbert… 3* predictable but
enjoyable
2. Bookish Life of Nina Hill by Abbi Waxman… 3* easy reading but
junior high-ish; read for on-line book club.
3. The Bluest Eye by Toni Morrison… 4* found this to be very
sad
4. Too Many Men by Lily Brett * 5*
5. Erotic Stories for Punjabi Widows by Balli
Kaur Jaswal. 4* (Those Punjabi Widows sure love erotic!)
This was a Reese book club choice; Never knew she had a club.
6. Eat Joy - Stories & Comfort Food edited
by Natalie Garrett Essays by literary writers with their story and comfort foods,
each with a recipe. 5* Recipes didn’t interest me much, but the
essays did.
- Now and Again by Julia Turshen Cookbook with menus,
recipes and then ideas of what to do with the leftovers. 3* Garnered
a couple of recipes from here.
- Smitten Kitchen Every Day: triumphant &
Unfussy new Favorites by Deb Perelman 3* Copied a few recipes
from this one, too.
7. All This Could be
Yours by Jami Attenberg… In Process
8. The Less People Know About Us… by Axton Bets-Hamilton…In Process
Cook from scratch at least once per week:
1. Stir fry with stuff on hand...voila!
2. Vanilla Bean Scones
3. Eggplant Risotto
4. Strawberry muffins
5. Pizza ala Nancy (this
was spinach, riced cauliflower, mushrooms & tomatoes)
Weed out
my recipe stash.
Cleaned out recipe box & small accordion folder. This week, I worked on 1st
big red rope with meats & entrees recipes. Dumped a lot of beef recipes. Next will be to work on chicken folder. It’s about 2” thick!
Blog once
a week, even if I have nothing to say. Wednesdays! I will change this to Sundays
the weekend.
Participate
in one holiday craft fair, probably November 2020. Thinking about it…
Go
through each craft and art magazine (There are lots!!) and save the projects
that I want to try. Went through 6 magazines (I was close when I
estimated #100; there are 88 left ( I counted); Ripped out interesting pages for yet
another folder!
In line
with the previous goal, go through my craft stash and list each project I have
started that has fallen by the wayside and finish them: Nothing new
To date: Sew angel felt ornaments; Sew up ugly sweater
& cactus ornaments; Finish rose needlepoint; Crochet market tote; color in
coloring books; tons of yarn – finish block afghan and come up with other
ideas. Maybe learn to knit cozy
socks? Have lots of fabric – skirts & jumpers, curtains, what else can
I think of?? Candlewick pillow kit; Do
something with wool roving; more resin projects; I have tons of scrapbook
papers – do something! Finish braided
basket; Bought special needle to make braided rugs; Bought paint pens for use
on rocks & shells; bought a pin vise to use on shells; Scrapbook for Sarah;
finish making beach themed ornaments; Have tons of beads & old jewelry –
what to do with them? Yada, yada
Make
Christmas cards for 2020. Decided on idea and working on the cards.
Have 50
mini dates with MHN – Well, we did go out to do some errands this week, in conjunction
with another appointment. We had Shayna
with us; we stopped at Goodwill to drop off a bag of stuff, the library to pick
up a book; drove around the woods of Guilford and then to the water…picked up a
Grand Apizza mozz on the way home (for me).
It was nice being out, chatting, laughing and singing.
Take a
long weekend getaway with my daughter. Not sure if this will actually
happen…she has so much on her agenda…will be happy to have her home for a visit…
Such beautiful memories....can feel the love!
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